Wasted Dreams
by lobstercat
Summary: Alternate Ending- What if Holden finally realized the impact he had on Phoebe? What if he tried to change his ways?


Independent Reading Project: New Ending for _Catcher in the Rye_

Chapter 26

By the time Phoebe was done with her carousal ride, I must have had a gallon of water dripping down me. A gust of wind came and blew around me, and I realized how freezing I was. As happy as I was, I started to think about pneumonia again and began to feel depressed.

Phoebe ran off the carousal, looking like a little kid, splashing through puddles. I felt even worse. She idolized me, me the failure, the perpetual mess up. She deserved better than me and I certainly didn't deserve her. Here I was, taking my 10 year old sister's Christmas dough to propel my own adventures. My own immaturity astounded me. I had to get away. I grabbed Phoebe's hand and began walking home. "Where are we going?" she asked confused. I sighed. "You're going home. I don't know where I'm going." Phoebe abruptly halted, nearly tripping me. "What?" She asked quietly. "I…I'm getting out of here. You're going home." She sighed, not even protesting. "Of course." There was silence as I contemplated her response. '_Of course…Of course…Of course…"_ Her words replayed like a broken record. It broke my heart. Even when I tried to do the right thing, I still ended up disappointing someone. "Listen, Phoebe. I'll write to you. Every day!" She interrupted me angrily. "Where are you going to write from Holden? Do you even know where you're going to go?" Her cynicism got to me. "I don't know Phoebe! I just don't! But I'll be fine! I always am." I exploded. Phoebe just stared at me, her doe eyes boring into mine. Finally she just brushed by me and began walking home. Guilt assaulted me. "Wait up Phoebe, wait!" She didn't respond. For once, it seemed as though she wouldn't be following me.

I ran after her all the way home, until she ran up into the elevator. I took the stairs, but she still beat me. The door was locked, and nobody responded when I pounded my hand on the door. I must have sat there for a good half hour, and nothing happened. Finally I got up and left, feeling worse than I'd ever felt. I set about wandering around the city, trying to eliminate thoughts of Phoebe from my mind. When I finally looked up, I realized I'd reached the bus station. I sat down and watched all of the people walking bye. Most of them looked like phonies, laughing and discussing trivial things while secretly hating each other. A particularly beautiful girl caught my eye. She looked familiar. Her back was to me, so I couldn't see her face. She almost tripped over a crack, and while struggling to right herself, I glimpsed her face. I almost fainted. It was Jane Gallagher.

"Jane!" I bellowed. She turned around again and saw me, waving wildly. Her face broke into a grin, and she ran towards me. "Holden! God, it's been too long!" Jane embraced me, and some of the angst disappeared. "You look great." I said truthfully. "You…you don't look so swell." She admitted, smiling a bit. I laughed. There was the Jane I loved. "Yeah, it's been a rough day" I said sheepishly. I felt myself sober up a bit, and changed the subject. "What are you doing out here?" Her face sagged a little bit. "I came to visit my grandmother. She's ill." "Oh," Was the only response I could come up with. After an awkward silence, I attempted a conversation. "Well, I'm glad I ran into you. Are you busy later?" She smiled again. "No, we should definitely get together. You know, I've kind of been in the mood the visit the zoo, as silly as it sounds." The zoo. All of the tension that disappeared with her presence came rushing back.

She must have sensed my change in attitude, and attempted to ask me about it. "Holden, are you okay?" She asked sincerely. Her kindness was killing me. I broke. "No. I'm not." I said quietly. Jane seemed genuinely concerned. "Do you want to talk about it?" I considered her offer. As much as I liked talking, I wasn't feeling particularly vocal at that moment. I concluded that I couldn't hurt. "I guess." I mumbled. "Well then, let's go to my hotel and talk about it." I nodded numbly, and she fetched us a cab. Just my luck, the cab smelled like vomit and of other unpleasant aromas, effectively adding to my melancholy. Luckily the hotel was nearby and the ride was short. We climbed out and I reached out to pay the fare, but Jane stopped me. "It's okay Holden." She said gently. I swear she was psychic. I had only a couple of dollars, and it was Phoebe's Christmas dough, while I planned on returning. Still, I felt crumby for letting her pay. We walked inside the place. It was pretty swanky, with a piano in the foyer, and classy looking bellhops.

We went up to the front desk, and found out her room number. She remained silent the whole time, except to talk to the clerk at the desk. It was only once we got in the elevator that she began to talk. "Holden what have you gotten into?" It wasn't meant as an insult, but I was temperamental, and took it as one. "Where do you get off judging me Jane?" Confusion registered on her face. "Excuse me, what are you talking about?" I could tell she was angry, but was trying to contain herself. "Don't start lecturing me Jane! After all, you're the one who's hanging with phonies like Stradlater!" I yelled. "What does he have to do with anything?" Jane shrieked. I snapped. "EVERYTHING JANE! The fact that you would even ASSOCIATE with him, let alone go on a goddamn date with him proves what you're like!" Jane blanched and seemed to calm down. "Holden, what the hell are you talking about?" Her timid expression brought me out of my rage. "I don't know." I whispered. The elevator doors dinged and we got out and walked to her room. She opened the door and I immediately collapsed into the nearest chair. Jane set down her purse, and sat down across from me.

"Holden," Her voice was tender. "What's wrong?" "Everything." I whispered hollowly. "Allie's gone. Phoebe's lost all hope in me. My parents are going to kill me, I have no future, and I'm surrounded by phonies." My voice cracked at the end, and to my shame, I began to cry. Jane sat down next to me and held me as I sobbed, like a 5 year old. After an eternity, my weeping subsided, and Jane let go of me. "Tell me what happened." She said softly.

And I did. I told her everything, from how I left all the fencing equipment on the subway, to how I let Phoebe down. When I was done, Jane hugged me again, and my heart ached. "Holden, you need to go home. You need to talk with your family. They need to know your side of the story."

She reached into her purse and gave me some dough. "Go take a cab home. Now." She instructed kindly. I sat up and grudgingly took the money. "Thank you Jane. For everything." She smiled sadly. "I'll always be here for you Holden."

Her display of pure, unadulterated kindness struck me, and I grabbed her into a fierce hug. After a second, I pulled away and sprinted out of the room. I would have taken the stairs, but I was already too winded. As soon as the elevator reached the floor, I bounded out and raced for the door. I reached the street in record time, and flagged the nearest cab. I climbed in, and immediately noticed that it didn't smell like vomit. I took it as a good omen, and told the cabbie my address. After an agonizing drive, I threw the dough at the driver and hurried to the foyer. I took the elevator once I got inside and finally reached the door.

I quelled all my desire to break open the door, and calmly knocked. My mother answered. "Holden." She said wearily. She looked too old for her years. "What a surprise." She certainly didn't look surprised. "I need to talk with everyone." She nodded and allowed me in. I walked into the living room, and Phoebe and my father sat there. My mom cleared her throat and they both looked up. My father looked murderous while Phoebe's face scrunched up, trying to hold back tears.

I had finally reached my destination, and I had nothing to say. I finally found my voice. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I flunked out of school, again. I'm sorry I let you all down. Mostly I'm sorry for letting you down Phoebe. I…I'm sorry." I looked up, hoping to see forgiveness. My mother avoided my gaze. Phoebe's face was neutral and my dad still looked furious.

Phoebe spoke first, her voice was bitter. "You've said sorry before. You always say sorry." My mom nodded. "As much as it hurts Holden, your sister's right. Ever since Allie…you've changed Holden. You have so much potential, but you keep throwing away opportunity after opportunity. I don't know what to do anymore." My dad remained silent. "I mean it this time though. I'll change! I can-"My dad cut me off. "Just stop Holden. We've heard it all before."

I was astounded. I had no idea that my actions had really hurt my family so deeply. "I know I've put stress on everyone but I truly am going to try next time. I promise." The words sounded fake even to me, despite the fact that I actually meant them. My family had heard excuse after excuse, and they were fed up. I didn't blame them.

Losing a child had drastically changed them. The added stress of receiving weekly letters from angry headmasters certainly was helping either. I tried to speak, but the only words that came to my mouth were "I'm sorry." I didn't know what to do, and neither did my family. I panicked, and did the one thing that first came to my mind. I left.

I ran out of the door, and bounded down the stairs, and sprinted until my legs ached and my lungs were on fire. I stopped right around Central Park. I calmed down and walked around, just thinking. I wandered until I came upon the small lagoon I had been so curious about.

I peered into the ice, trying to catch a glimpse of any fish, but the ice was thick and opaque. I plopped down on a bench nearby, defeated. I sat there motionless, until I heard a noise. There was a slight rustling in the bushes to my left. I looked down and saw a family of ducks, huddled together sleeping. One of the ducks looked up and me and quacked.

Slowly a smile formed on my face. My life was bad, but only at that moment. I had faith that I would succeed in the future, I just had to work for it.

Suddenly life didn't seem so crumby anymore.


End file.
